By LAUREL BEAGER
LBeager@cherryroad.com
Grief: If you haven’t experienced it, you will.
Like death and taxes, grief will likely be a part of everyone’s life, whether it be over the loss of a loved one or a lifestyle through divorce or retirement.
Karen Kavan facilitates a grief support group, first held at Green Larsen funeral home and now at Backus Community Center.
“It is free and open to anyone on a grief journey,” Kavan said, adding that it also helps her through her journey.
She started her journey when her son Paul, 39, unexpectedly died peacefully in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart condition July 28, 2022. She notes that giving life to someone who dies comes with a desire to know they have died peacefully
Part of her family’s journey is learning a new way of living and redefining their relationship with Paul, she said.
Faith, and perhaps a feeling of fate, helps Karen. Paul and his brother Matt came from California to Ranier and opened Looney’s Brew after falling in love with the area when Karen and Lloyd bought a home here in 2002. Karen and her husband moved here to live permanently about seven years ago.
“As a result, we got to see Paul every day, and he got to put up with me as a mom,” she said smiling. “What parent wouldn’t want that? I really focus on appreciating that.”
Support in their grief from members of the small community that had been touched by Paul was overwhelming and her first glimpse of public grief.
When asked to start the grief support group, Karen said she had to be sure she was strong enough to do it. Kavan worked as a registered nursing in a hospital and school systems in central Minnesota. She’d seen others experience grief and has had her own griefs along the way. Those experiences, including inspiration from others experiencing similar grief, led her to believe she could help others. And she’s quick to point to several books that she says have helped her.
In the group, she uses guidelines called “12 Steps of Hope” by Marlene Hunt, who based the guidelines on the 12 steps of recovery, and the Hope United Grief Group. She also brings thoughts from various authors on grief.
At the local group sessions, all who are experiencing any kind of grief are welcome and able to openly express their griefs. “We support and listen to one another,” she said, adding the group meets with several people or just one attending.
People experiencing grief often feel isolated because their normal and usual world stopped, but life goes on all around them. The group is not judgmental, she said, and maybe more understanding of one anothers grief.
Anger often comes with grief, she said, and gratitude and forgiveness can help lessen the anger, she said. Anger at God may also be a part of the process and can bring feelings of guilt.
“From my readings, God can handle it,” she said laughing. Forgiving yourself and treating yourself gently is important, she added.
The human impulse to control things around them often makes it difficult for people to accept a loss. She points to one of several books she references, adding the group shares books and songs that have helped them.
“And we allow ourselves to talk and talk and talk about our loved ones,” she said. That’s important when you worry others around you may feel they’ve have heard enough and feel it’s time to “get over it and move on.”
A good friend of someone in grief may be reluctant to bring up their name, she noted.
“It’s really helpful to you and it’s helpful to them,” she said. “You are helping each other heal and process.”
“You don’t get over it,” Kavan said. But people can learn to live with their grief, which changes over time, she said.
Books
Books that Kavan references:
“Twelve Steps of Hope,” Marlene Hunt
“Healing After Loss,” Martha W. Hickman
“Permission to Mourn,” Tom Zuba
“The Understand Your Grief Journal,” Alan D. Wolfelt
“365 Days of Understanding Your Grief,” Alan D. Wolfelt
“A Grace Disguised, how the sold grows through loss,” Jerry Sittser
“Healing Your Grieving Heart, 100 Practical Ideas,” Alan D. Wolfelt
